I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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