dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
