I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There's even glitter on my cock...
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