Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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