i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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