Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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