ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
