There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
