my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
