woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
