today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
