the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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