What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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