3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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