so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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