I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
