Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
