My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
