...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
