You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
