Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
