Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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