I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
