Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
