my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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