I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
