they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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