i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
