you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
