a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
