I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
