when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
