I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Damn victory sex feels great
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
