and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
