It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Randomize
