come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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