saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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