there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
