New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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