someone threw a dead crab at me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
