I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
