I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
