Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
