just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
