I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
