Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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