How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
