I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
