sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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