I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
