Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize