The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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