I think I won the penis lottery.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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