i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
