From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
