you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
