i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
