I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
